Marriage

"That which is false troubles the heart, but truth brings joyous tranquility." -Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Coumba and I got caught in the rain the other day. Heavy cold rain. At one point she tried to turn onto a road on which her car had no traction. We seemed to be spinning and going nowhere as her tires found only loose rocks and more water. She turned the car around and we went to her friend's house to wait out the storm. We both got soaked running from the car through the courtyard. Unfortunately all the doors and windows were open at the friend's house and the fan was on. By the time the ordeal was over. I was well on my way to being sick.

Coumba says she needs a vacation. She says being married makes her tired. How so I asked. Every day I have to cook dinner for my husband, she said. Oh that's not so bad. Make something that lasts a few days or go to a resturant once in a while. Coumba laughed at my naivete. That's easy when you are only cooking for two people. But here we cook for the whole household, parents, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews...you don't have leftovers with a crowd that big. There aren't any others to help you cook or trade days with, I ask. Only the maid helps because it's my responsibility, she responds. Restaurants here are only for business engagements and... mistresses I chime in. Coumba looks at me astonished. How did you know?

I found myself in such a restaurant. If one just gave it a cursory look one would think one was in a luxury resort in the Caribbean...during a blackout. Though there were thatched tiki huts, winding garden paths with private alcoves strewn throughout, music, and bars...all of it was pitch dark. Since we weren't currently experiencing a blackout, I started to put two and two together wondering why a restaurant would need to be pitch dark, why patrons would not want to see the food they were eating...unless the truth was that they did not want others to see them.

Constance called me to let me know she was at our downstairs door. She had left the boutique attended only by her nephew Michel and Mohammed so she could bring me a pot of tea with citronella in it. She had gotten a ride on the back of someone's moto. She didn't stay long so she could get back to the store. After the tea I fellike I was well on my way to recovery.

I've been thinking a lot about women's health here in Mali. I am frustrated to find that married women are not as empowered as single women are much of the time to safeguard their health. While family planning has frequently been used in the context of marriage to give each child the time at its mother's breast that it needs to grow strong, many concern themselves only with pregnancy prevention to space children out and not with HIV prevention.

Understandable if people are married, but that is a false and perhaps fatal assumption to make in this environment that accepts adultery as normal. So while many wives/mothers come in for DepoPrevera shots to ensure their children will be at least 2 years apart, not many married women use condoms. And in the long run it is much more expensive to do so. But what to do when society accepts that husbands will commit adultery... that they may or may not use protection when doing so, and thus may bring unwanted guests including HIV into the marital bed. Talk about sleeping with the enemy.

And conventional wisdom is easier preached than practiced. Many husbands work in other regions or neighboring countries. When they return how many of their wives will insist on HIV testing, even if they are mindful of the risks. Even if they insisted, how many husbands would consent? Who in the end will back the woman's right to insist on a test or the use of condoms until the test is conducted or the right to refuse her husband if he consents to neither? Mali is not the only country facing these issues and I am interested to see what developments arise as more countries become wise to the patterns of behavior that continue to allow the disease to spread amongst unsuspecting victims.